I have a long list of topic ideas for these blogs on the “Notes” App on my iPhone.
Often it’s late at night when I write them down. And I’m usually in a very groggy state, so they are almost never fully thought out.
For example, my list contains the following topic ideas:
– Wet Willies were weird
– Haikus should not be considered poetry
– Pulp is the perfect word to describe what it is
– Do Transgender people have gender reveal parties?
– I’ve seen “National Treasure” like 40 times
– LeBron’s show “The Shop” was a missed opportunity
– The inventor of Cookie Cake was probably a dad
Most of these ideas are thoughts that are completely conveyed just by title.
The problem is that none of them have nearly enough substance for a full post. Maybe a few sentences each… but combined.. Combined, I can make a full post that touches on each, and the overarching theme will be about my lack of substance.
But is that cheating? Because technically I’m creating substance by not having enough substance, and I’d hate to be accused of substance abuse.
That being said, I haven’t posted in a while, and need to get this blog back on track.
1. Wet Willies were weird.
According to Wikipedia, a “Wet Willy” is a prank whereby a saliva-moistened finger is inserted into an unsuspecting person’s ear, often with a slight twisting motion.
I love this definition. They refer to it as a “saliva-moistened finger” without specifying how the finger gets moistened with saliva.
And then at the end they add that its “often with a slight twisting motion.”
I’ve given very few Wet Willies, but my technique always excluded the “slight twisting motion”. In my experience, there’s never time for the slight twisting motion. The victim is so quick to move their head away once they feel a “saliva-moistened finger” entering their ear.
I’ve also given very few “Purple Nerples” but I am fully aware of the twisting motion associated with these.
2. Haikus should not be considered poetry.
There’s 5 syllables on the first line, 7 on the second, 5 on the third. That’s it.
I’ll wrote a haiku below, and would love for someone to explain to me how its poetry:
I can count to ten.
One, two, three, four, five, six, then…
Seven, eight, nine, ten.
3. Pulp is the perfect word to describe what it is.
I’m not completely sure where I wanted to go with this when I wrote this down in my notes. Reading it now, I do agree with past Max’s notes on pulp, but I don’t have a ton of supporting thoughts.
4. Do transgender people have gender reveal parties?
I have to be careful with this one. But I think it’d be a fun celebration whether they choose to stay their biological gender or switch to the opposite.
5. I’ve seen National Treasure like 40 times.
This is just a fact.
The scene where Nick Cage uses a water bottle as a magnifying glass to enlarge the clock tower on the back of the $100 bill is iconic. I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve used that water bottle trick because of this scene (either zero or one, but I can’t be sure).
6. LeBron’s show “The Shop” was a missed opportunity
“The Shop” is an HBO show starring LeBron James, where he sits at a barbershop with a guest and they talk about life while getting their hair cut.
But it was a missed opportunity.
It should have been titled, “LeBron Salon”. In this show, LeBron James cuts his guest’s hair in his salon, while having the same conversations as in “The Shop”.
7. The inventor of Cookie Cake was probably a dad
I like to imagine it was his daughter’s birthday and he just forgot to buy the cake batter.
He was hosting the birthday party later that day, and there was no time to run back up to the store. But when checking the pantry, he discovered he had the ingredients to make chocolate chip cookies.
Thats when a wild idea crossed his mind.
Maybe- just maybe… if he mixed it exactly right, he could just bake an enormous cookie – a cake sized cookie. He could cover it in icing and stick 5 candles in it and his daughter would never know the difference.
But then he came back to reality.
“Have you lost your mind?” He thought to himself, and shook the idea out of his head.
But it kept poking its way back in. And really, what choice did he have?
Little did he know, that he was on the verge of one of the world’s most revolutionary innovations. But unlike Edison, he did not have the luxury of finding “100 ways to not make a cookie cake.” He had to nail it on the first attempt.
I read back over the cookie cake paragraph, and I wonder – maybe there’s more substance here. Maybe I can keep it going. Maybe this dad stumbled upon more than just one birthday party cliche. So I continue.
The cookie was in the oven when his daughter came into the kitchen.
“Dad, what activities are we doing at the party today?”
Shit. He also forgot about an activity. He was supposed to look into finding some sort of entertainment, but dropped the ball there too.
He took a deep breath and walked out of the kitchen. On his way out, his leg brushed against the statue of Igor, the family’s donkey, and knocked Igor’s tail off.
“Great,” he thought to himself as he picked it up from the floor, “how I am I going to pin this tail back on the donkey?”
Is there any substance here at all?
Eh. What’s he going to do next, invent party hats? Is he going to have all the kids put traffic cones on their heads?
“Daddy, before I blow out my birthday candles, will you sing me the song you wrote for me special for my birthday?” His daughter asked.
His heart dropped to his stomach. He completely forgot about the song he promised to write for his daughter’s birthday. How could he have been so thoughtless?
“Of course honey,” he said nervously while a small bead of sweat dripped down from his temple.
He cleared his throat and looked around the room. His daughter’s friends and their parents were all smiling at him, ready to hear the special song.
He took a deep breath and started singing:
“Haaaappy Birthday to you,
Uhh — Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Biiiirthday dear daughter,
Happy Birthday to you.”
The crowd was in awe. They had never heard such a lovely and such a personalized birthday song.
But most importantly, his daughter had an enormous smile on her face. She hugged him, then blew out the candles. Relieved, he cut and distributed the cake.
Just as he walked away to start mingling with the other parents, his daughter took a bite of the cake.
“What the fuck? Is this just a giant cookie covered in icing?”
I Just Realized Something 