About Me

Cornelius Schmeckelman – The Man Behind the Schmeckel

Cornelius Schmeckelman is a world-renowned comedy writer and generational thought leader. 

He was voted Most Likely to Succeed in his High School graduating class, has a USCF chess rating of 1350, and wears size 12 shoes.  

And the ladies can’t get enough of him. 

---

But in the real world, my name is not Cornelius Schmeckelman.

In the real world, I am not renowned by anyone as a writer or thought leader. In fact, I’m not even nowned yet, so there’s a long ways to go.

I was voted Most Likely to Stink Up the Library by my Fraternity brothers in college. I have a USCF chess rating of 1250,and I wear size 11 shoes.

And the mosquitos can’t get enough of me. 

---

In the real world, I am a 27 year old financial analyst who spends a disgusting amount of hours analyzing finance. 

It’s fine. 

Truly, its fine. 

This is the real world, and I have a real job that pays real money. I just really don’t want to talk about it. 

---

So what do I want to talk about?

IDK – random stuff. Stuff that can lead somewhere interesting. I’ve had very few interesting conversations that begin with, “So how about that revenue growth in Q2?”

Writing under an alias has given me the freedom to write anything that I want without risking someone from the corporate “real world” finding it.

---

So far, I’ve written about Go-Gurt, Bees, the Cha-Cha Slide, an Emotional Funeral in my Bathroom, and more. 

While I believe that these all have the potential to one day become iconic pieces of American literature and required reading in schools, I can’t help but feel that they lack a certain level of sophistication that is needed to be respected in the writing community.

But that’s not why I write. For me, writing is supposed to be a creative outlet to say whatever I want to say without having to appease anyone. 

I would not be true to myself if I try to be “sophisticated” and start using fancy words or pretentious prose.

And if I’m being totally honest, I’m not 100% sure what “prose” even is.

I don’t need to allude to classic literary works when I can allude to classic Drake and Josh episodes.

And I don’t need my figurative language to be elegant.

My similes can make my writing as distinctive as the Peruvian Puff Pepper makes Drake and Josh’s salsa.

And my metaphors can be almost all sports related. Because I’m not playing in the NBA —  in televised games in packed arenas. I’m just out here playing street ball.

In street ball, there’s no referees to enforce the rules, we call our own fouls. And when there’s a dispute, we don’t go to instant replay; we just shoot a free throw for it.

Our philosophy is simple: the ball don’t lie.

---

It’s the same thing with writing —  the professionals who write for major publications have editors to ensure they follow all the rules.

They write to make money, to have millions of readers, and to get laid.

Us street ballers play by our own rules. We aren’t in it for the money, the glory, or the recognition. And we certainly aren’t getting laid. 

It’s all about our love for the game.

And while I might be writing under a fake name with a totally made up back-story, it’s still me writing; this is still my “real world” voice. 

The truth is — I am Cornelius Schmeckelman. 

And I’m bringing all my prose, with very few cons. 

---