Enough is Enough – I Am Done Being Haunted By The “K-I-S-S-I-N-G in a Tree” Taunt

I remember it like it was yesterday. The rumors about me and my crush had been swirling throughout my second grade class all day.

“Play it cool, Max,” I told myself, “You’ve already denied all of these allegations, this will pass.”

But then later that day at recess, it happened. Their collective voices pierced my very soul, as my worst fears unfolded before my eyes.

“Max and Emma sitting in a tree,
K-I-S-S-I-N-G.
First comes love,
Then comes marriage,
Then comes a baby in the baby carriage.”

I stood there – speechless. How could this have happened? Clearly, I had placed my trust in the wrong people.

For years, the hair on the back of my neck would stand whenever I heard this taunt. Until one day, I decided enough was enough. I could not let this taunt continue to affect me.

And that’s when I started to realize how poorly crafted and ineffective the taunt actually is.

Maybe I just don’t understand the draw of K-I-S-S-I-N-G in a tree, but logistically, it seems like way more trouble than it’s worth – just to K-I-S-S at a slightly higher altitude.

Unless you’re Tarzan and Jane, climbing the tree, balancing on the branch, and locking lips is no easy task. And it wouldn’t exactly be comfortable up there, either straddling a branch or dangling your legs.

Wouldn’t it be nicer to just sit on the ground underneath the tree?

The flat ground enables the potential for a supine position, and the possibility for the K-I-S-S-I-N-G to progress into several other verbs ending in -ing.

In the tree, any progression beyond small pecks could be very dangerous.

“First comes a peck
Then they lay back
Then they fall off and become handicapped.”

But things seem to work out for the couple in the taunt. They escape the tree unscathed and go on to live a happy, wholesome life.

First they fall in love, then they get married, and then comes the baby in the baby carriage.

In that order.

It’s not:

“First comes alcohol,
Then comes sex,
Then comes the baby and their lives are wrecked.”

Or:

“First comes infatuation,
Then comes ejaculation,
Then comes the baby and insincere congratulations”

At it’s core, this taunt describes the American Dream: finding the love of your life, kissing her in a tree, settling down and starting a family with her.

It’s really not even a taunt; it’s just the well-wishing of a couple in their future together.

So to the kids at the playground, I thank you. Emma and I are very happy.

After debunking my first childhood taunt, I was feeling pretty good, and I was ready to take on the next one.

I closed my eyes and reminisced on a similar incident from my youth.

It was the 4th grade. I was minding my own business in the back of the science classroom, when Cassie Myers and her group of goons surrounded me.

In unison, the eight girls chanted:

“Girls go to college to get more knowledge; boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider.”

Man, did that hurt.

But now in hindsight, similar to the tree taunt (and to the girls themselves), I’m finding all sorts of holes in their statement.

First, their entire premise is wrong. The boys would almost definitely gain more knowledge from their extended interplanetary travel throughout the solar system than from a four year program at a university.

And I know what you’re thinking, “But wouldn’t the girls have a leg-up in the job market since they have a college degree and the boys don’t?”

Maybe so, but I have to imagine that there’d be plenty of opportunities for the boys – the first ever humans to visit Jupiter – when they return to Earth.

The only way that the girls win this taunt is if they are referring to the city, Jupiter, Florida. In which case they are absolutely correct. The boys can be dumb as a rock, find their way to Jupiter, Florida, and still get stupider.

But regardless of whether she meant the city in Florida, or the planet next to Saturn, Cassie Myers did not win this taunt.

Sure, she went to college, but knowledge was not the only asset she left with. She joined a sorority, went out drinking every night… and the rest is history.

“First comes tequila,
Then she gets plastered,
Then comes the ultrasound; she’s having a bastard”