This is the story of a friendship that ended poorly, at no fault of their own. One might say they had an ironic fate.

Our story begins in Los Angeles.

Edward McMuffin got off the interstate, and turned right. The GPS said 5 minutes until arrival at the restaurant.

Ed adjusted the rear view mirror to examine himself. He messed with his hair for a second then nodded at himself. He was nervous.

He was meeting this woman, Tina, who he’d known for several years. He’d always found her attractive, but never pursued her or considered her to be anything besides an acquaintance.

But things changed earlier that week when they bumped into each other at the grocery store.

Ed replayed the encounter in his head.

They were in the produce section. Ed was reaching for a melon when she said his name.

“Ed?”

He turned.

“Oh, hey Tina!”

They talked for a few minutes, Ed made a joke about the grapes in her cart, and she laughed. All pretty standard stuff.

But the ending of their interaction was where things took a turn.

“Well Ed, it was great to see you. Hey, why don’t you give me your number so that we can hook up some time?”

“Oh – uh.. yeah sure.”

“Hook up”?

This was very confusing for Ed. Because when people say “hook up”, it means multiple things.

Really its a generational divide. When younger people say “hook up”, it almost always implies something sexual. But older people just mean “hang out”.

Tina appeared to be in her late 20s, early 30s – the age range in which he’d expect her to use the sexual definition.

But was it possible that she could just suddenly be this forward with him, out of nowhere?

‘I did nail that grape joke’, thought Ed to himself, as he adjusted the mirror back to its normal position. ‘Or maybe she was impressed by the way I was handling those melons.”

Whatever the case, he was about to find out.

Ed pulled up to the restaurant and sure enough, there was Tina in the parking lot, looking as beautiful as ever.

He parked the car and they walked into the restaurant together.

“So, how were those grapes?” He asked.

Tina laughed and they approached the hostess stand.

“McMuffin, party of two,” said Ed.

“Of course, Mr. McMuffin, it will be just a few minutes. Please take a seat in our waiting area.”

Ed stepped back and took a look around. It was packed; the waiting area was overflowing with hungry customers. This was going to be a while.

He took a deep breath and smiled at Tina. She smiled back.

Neither of them spoke for a second.

There was music playing in the waiting area. At least it would be a harmonic wait.

All of the seats were occupied, but there were 2 wooden boxes next to the door. As Ed approached them, he noticed a rumbling sound and strange red light emerging from them. On second thought, they probably should stay away from these demonic crates.

Then the hostess called out, “Wilson, party of 8”, and the eight Wilsons stood simultaneously to walk to their table. They walked in a single file line, one after the other, their steps in unison, with an almost synchronic gait.

But that meant 8 seats opened up in the waiting area, leaving plenty of space for Ed and Tina to sit down.

After a few minutes of small talk, Ed’s stomach rumbled loudly. He was hungry.

“There’s another restaurant right up the street about a mile from here, that we could try,” offered Tina, “This place seems like it’s going to be a while.”

“Yeah, maybe we should check them out,” said Ed.

“We could Uber there,” She pulled out her phone, “Oh but wait.. there’s a surcharge… Yikes, it’s going to be $60.”

“What?!” Said Ed in amazement. “$60?! To go a mile?! That’s an idiotic rate. Let’s just stay here. I’ll get you a drink, what do you like?”

“Vodka.”

“Me too! With Tonic?”

“Straight.”

As Ed approached the bar, the hostess called another name, “Harris, party of 8”

Another big group got up and trod towards their table. This group did not move nearly as swiftly as the Wilsons.

In fact, Harris party of 8 was all over the place. They made strange excited noises, stumbling and jumping all around the restaurant. They reminded Ed of some sort of bionic primates.

Ed ordered his drinks and then the hostess called another:

“Montgomery, 8”

What was going on? So many big groups. The dining parties were chronic eights in this place.

Ed received his drinks, tipped the bartender and returned to Tina.

He walked into the waiting area, where two men were standing near Tina chatting with her.

As Ed approached, Tina introduced them.

“Ed, this is Ivan and Nikola, they are friends of mine from Croatia.”

They shook hands and began the small talk.

“Croatia, huh? I’ve heard it’s beautiful there.”

“Oh yeah,” said Nikola, “its amazing. But California has more than its fair share of beauty as well.”

“Definitely,” said Ed, as he took a sip of his drink. But he was unprepared for what happened next.

It was straight vodka. The bartender must have mixed up the orders.

He let out a pathetic cough. It was no surprise. This cough was a moronic trait that Ed had inherited from his father, who he had inherited from his father before him, and so on for generations.

McMuffins did not drink liquor straight.

But in an effort to impress Tina, Ed persevered.

He cleared his throat and continued.

“Yeah, ahem- California truly is an iconic state. What brought you guys here all the way from Croatia?”

“We are geophysicists,” said Ivan, “we study tectonic plates.”

They talked for a few minutes until the hostess called another group:

“Connick, eight.”

“Oh, that’s us, it was great meeting you Ed,” Said Ivan and they joined their group and continued to their table.

Ed waved goodbye to his new Slavonic Mates.

He sat back down next to Tina and looked at his watch. It had been over an hour. His stomach rumbled again. This was not going as planned.

He wished he would have brought his sliced melon in a Tupperware to snack on.

He patted his legs like bongos and then tried to start a conversation.

“So.. what’s your favorite movie?” He asked.

“The Matrix,” said Tina decisively, “really anything with Keanu Reeves. I love him.”

“Me too!” Said Ed. “Everything he’s in, even John Wick – great.”

Tina nodded, and let out a sigh.

“Ed, I’m starving. And its 9:00. Maybe we should just go to Sonic – late night food is my favorite anyways.”

At this point, Ed was open to whatever. He did not want Tina to be unhappy. Also he had heard that the waitresses at the Sonic nearby had new electronic skates.

As they were standing up to leave, the hostess called them, “McMuffin, 2.”

They looked at each other and approached the podium.

The hostess sensed their disdain and apologized. “We are so sorry the wait was so long, we had a lot of big parties tonight. We’re going to put you at our best table, and offer you a complimentary bottle of wine as well as a free dessert so that you guys could still have the romantic night that you deserve.”

Ed smiled and looked at Tina.

But Tina just laughed.

“Romantic night? Oh no, we are just friends.”

Ed’s heart sank. Apparently it was just a misunderstanding in the produce section.

They sat down at their table, and Tina ran off to the restroom.

Ed, alone at the table, pulled out his phone. His friend Tim had texted him.

It said: “U guys bang yet?”

Ed replied: “Nope. Platonic Date.”

As he put his phone back in his pocket, Ivan, the Croatian approached.

Ivan pulled a folded paper out of his pocked and set it on the table.

“Here’s my number. Give me a call sometime, and we can hook up.”