Back in 2004, you’d say “Hey Alexa, play ‘Wonderwall’ by Oasis”, and your friend Alexa would rummage around through her book of CDs, find “What’s the Story Morning Glory?”, the Oasis album, and play Wonderwall.

Back in 2004, you’d say “Hey Alexa, who was the eighth president of the United States?” And your friend Alexa would go to the library, find an encyclopedia, and discover that Martin Van Buren was the eighth president of the United States.

“Hey Alexa, what will the temperature be tomorrow?”

“Chill out man, why are you asking me all these questions? I don’t fucking know, probably similar to what it was today?” – Alexa, c. 2004

Flash forward 15 years and poor Alexa is getting bombarded with questions and commands from an entire nation.

All thanks to Amazon.

I don’t own an “Alexa” because my grandma told me that they spy on you, and I’d prefer to keep my conversations between myself, my friends and Siri.

I also didn’t have a friend named Alexa in 2004, but I know that this person exists. And I can’t imagine what she must be going through now.

Every party she’s at, someone commands her, “Hey Alexa, play ‘Wonderwall’ by Oasis”.

“Very funny, guys,” says Alexa, trying to hold back tears as she’s been told to play a song for the 18th time now just at this one particular party.

Eventually, someone asks her a real question, “Alexa, can you beatbox?”

Ah yes. Finally. She had been practicing her beatboxing for months now. She clears her throat.

But before she’s able to get started, the Amazon Echo Alexa starts her beatboxing through the speakers, and the crowd goes wild. Human Alexa leaves the party crying yet again, vowing to run Amazon out of business.

My heart goes out to girls named Alexa. Are they getting name changes?

I’m positive that there’s a support group out there for girls named Alexa who are plotting their revenge and how they can destroy Jeff Bezos and the whole Amazon conglomerate.

Because that was a pretty shitty move Jeff. At least Siri was never a popular name.

According to my sources (wikipedia.org), in the United States, the name Alexa was in the top 100 most popular baby girl names in the mid 1990s. That means there’s a lot of human Alexa’s running around.

And now their lives are changed, and the name is ruined forever. No one is going to name their kid Alexa anymore. Because of Amazon.

Similarly, the name Adolf was a popular boys name in the early 1900s.

And then all it takes is one bad Adolf to take over Germany, start a war, and attempt to wipe out an entire race, and the name is ruined for everyone.

Fuck you Hitler.

Hitler not only ruined the name Adolf for the rest of time, but he also ruined a style of facial hair.

The Hitler mustache was a somewhat popular style in the late 1800s, early 1900s. It was actually called the “Toothbrush moustache”.

But again, this Nazi fuckboy, Adolf, had to ruin it for everyone, and the facial hair style totally died out. Which is a shame because there are only so many facial hair styles that are even possible.

Imagine an alternate universe where Hitler had a soul patch instead.

The soul patch is really just an upside down Hitler mustache.

In this universe, it would be known as the “Hitler patch” and it would be dead now, but the toothbrush moustache would still be alive.

This would mean that Howie Mandel, Billie Ray Cyrus and half of Major League Baseball would be rocking the stache instead of the patch.

Or a universe where Hitler had the stache and the patch, and made like a little “lip sandwich” type thing. The bottom half of his face would look like a side view of a pumpernickel bagel with smoked salmon hanging out the sides.

He never would have been able to gain support and rise to power with the stache/patch combo.

I’m not saying that Hitler and Alexa are comparable, I’m only saying that both ruined a name at the peak of its popularity.

And Amazon chose the name themselves, knowing that it’d have a negative impact on the lives of millions of Americans named Alexa.

Maybe it would have made sense for Amazon to name their assistant, Adolf, since that name was already destroyed?

It would be tough to market for sure, the “Amazon Adolf”.

But it could be fitting. After all, we can only blame the person, not the name itself. Humanity will never and should never embrace the name Adolf, but is it crazy to use on your virtual assistant that you boss around?

“Hey Adolf, play ‘Wonderwall’ by Oasis”

“Nein”