A notoriously difficult spell to master, the Patronus charm will produce a silvery, ghost-like “guardian” animal. The specific animal is unique to each wizard, and is said to represent their truest , and often suppressed self.

This has always made me insecure. What if my “truest self” projected in the form of a chicken, or a cockroach, or a rat?

So when I conjured my first successful Patronus in Defense Against the Dark Arts class, I was extremely relieved to see it take form as a dog. The silver German Shepherd emerged from my wand and galloped around the classroom. I named him Chester.

But my relief quickly turned to horror as Chester approached the instructor, mounted her leg, and began thrusting his hips.

“Chester, NO!” I yelled as I scrambled to restrain him. Frazzled and embarrassed, I let out a nervous laugh and apologized.

But this was only the beginning. Each time we’d practice this charm, I’d end up a sweaty, apologetic lunatic, chasing Chester around the classroom as he humped my classmates.

And as more classmates started to conjure their animals, it only got worse.

No matter how calm or peaceful the scene in the classroom, I’d set Chester loose and it would quickly become a Patronus orgy.

Chester humped a platypus, a kangaroo, an octopus. He humped a panda, a rhino, and a turtle. And as I separated him from a petite silver penguin, I realized that this was substantially worse than conjuring a chicken, cockroach, or rat. Chester is supposed to represent the deepest fiber of my identity, and he’s just… horny.

Lost and confused, I visited a psychiatrist to understand what within me could cause this to happen.

After some digging, the doctor concluded that my lack of intimacy and my deep desire for companionship were projecting through Chester in the rawest way imaginable. He recommended trying to meet a woman.

So that evening, I downloaded “Wand-r,” a dating app for wizards, and within hours, I had my first match: a pretty red-haired woman named Lana.

My roommate, Glen, helped me woo her to perfection

Lana and I met for drinks the next night.

Almost instantly upon meeting her, I felt a strong connection. Our conversations flowed effortlessly as we talked and laughed the night away. 

But then out of nowhere, the lights flickered and screams filled the pub. A dementor had entered.

I drew my wand.

“Expecto Patronum!” I yelled, and Chester emerged.

He bravely charged at the dementor, but was no match. The dementor brushed him aside with ease and continued forward.

In horror, Lana grabbed my hand. And as our fingers intertwined, Chester sat up.

The dementor drew nearer and the temperature began to drop. I stretched my arm around Lana’s shoulder and pulled her in tightly, and as our bodies touched, Chester seemed to energize even more. His silver figure shone brighter, and he stood and growled.

And with the dementor merely a few feet away, I realized what had to be done.

I looked into Lana’s eyes, took a deep breath, and then went in for the kiss.

The moment our lips touched, Chester bolted at the dementor at full force. He mounted it’s leg and began to hump, with more vigor than he gave even to the penguin in our class.

Each thrust drove the dementor back further and further, until it was forced halfway out the door, gripping the sides to prevent itself from being humped into oblivion.

But the dementor wasn’t finished yet. It swung forward, sending Chester tumbling across the pub, and then roared and lunged towards the crowd in a fury.

At this point, Lana had caught on to the situation at hand. With the dementor nearing, she leapt in front of me and ripped open her blouse.

Instantly, Chester sat up straight and the room lit up. From between his legs, his silver rocket shone brighter than the sun.

This light engulfed the dementor, leaving it hovering in the air, paralyzed.

Then, out from Chester’s erection shot a silvery figure in the form of a human man… me. This figure circled the dementor and dealt the finishing blow.

There was a great flash of light and the dementor disappeared.

It was done.

The pub burst into applause as Lana put her shirt back on.

It was the best first date I’ve ever been on. 

I made a mental note to leave a 5-star review for “Wand-r” on the Wizard App store.

Glen checking in on my date

The incident left wizard scholars baffled. It was truly unprecedented: my Patronus conjured it’s own Patronus out of its boner. A “Bonus Patronus.”

But to me, it proved that there was a truer, more powerful layer hidden deep within my identity. A layer that was dormant inside me, ready to explode, but concealed to the world by my own insecurities until Lana’s love gave me the courage to liberate it.

And now I was at peace, because I finally understood. Love is the most powerful magic of all.